May

The Post Mortem

Fri May 4th 2012 @ 3:35 am

“Fast Eddie” is dead. God and I killed him. Now what? It appeared to me that in killing “Fast Eddie,” I had also killed my career…my means to make a living. What could I do to earn money, now? By which I meant; what was okay with God and what wasn’t. So I spent some time alone in a friend’s cabin with God and a Bible and asked Him to do a Post Mortem on the late Fast Eddie. And boy did He do a post mortem! He made CSI and Quincy look like rank amateurs.

A post-mortem, also known as an autopsy, is a highly specialized surgical procedure that consists of a thorough examination of a corpse to determine the cause and manner of death and to evaluate any disease or malfunction that may be present in the deceased. Apparently “Fast Eddie” was riddled with both disease and malfunction. I went into this examination thinking that surely not EVERYTHING I had been doing was wrong in His eyes! Wrong, again. Since pretty much everything I did sprang from either greed or pridefulness…sometimes both… there wasn’t much left that was right in His eyes.

In short, the Coroner’s Report from God was pretty simple and straight forward: bury Eddie and move on with your life…in a different direction and in a different career.

“Yeah, God, but what new career are you talking about?”

To which God replied, “You let me worry about that…you just go bury Eddie’s body…leave the old life behind!”

I asked, “Then how do I make a living?”

To which He replied: “I’ve got a plan for your life. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you going to let me in on this plan?” I asked.

“When you’re ready,” He replied.

“So I’m supposed to just quit everything with no idea what’s next? That’s scary.”

“No…that’s faith!” He said.

He had me there. So I did what He told me to do. A couple of weeks later, I called a meeting with my associates at the Ad Agency I owned. I told them about meeting Jesus and that I needed to start working for Him and that I was quitting the Agency and giving it to them. Since it was worth a ton of money, I thought they would be ecstatic: they weren’t. At first they thought I was trying to sell it to them and they knew they couldn’t come up with that kind of cash. When I finally got it through their heads that I was giving it to them…they thought I was having some kind of mental breakdown. Seriously…they thought I’d gone nuts. I hadn’t seen that coming. I left the meeting, threw my office stuff in a box and left.

Meanwhile, my wife at the time was having similar misgivings. While she was thrilled that I had quit drinking and partying, she was decidedly NOT thrilled at the prospect of not having money coming in to maintain our lifestyle. She was fine with my decision to become a Christian, just not this Christian! She, too, thought I’d gone crazy. In fact, my wife and my associates had a meeting to discuss what to do with me. As far as they could tell, all I did was sit around praying, reading the bible and talking about Jesus…all of which was true. What they couldn’t see …and I wasn’t able to make them understand…was that I was simply waiting on God. Just as He told me I should. Of course, when I told them that God had talked to me…wow! That clinched it for them; I really had gone nuts! I later learned that they had actually discussed having me committed to a mental institution.

In the end they realized that I was serious and that my decision was final. The associates went to work divvying up my company and my wife finally understood that all the arguing and complaining in the world was not going to change my mind. So she settled back to see what lay ahead…convinced that we were headed for financial disaster.

As for me, I was too excited (maybe too stupid) to be scared. I was going off on an adventure…an excellent adventure!

Epilogue

Larry Walters, a 33-year-old man decided he wanted some adventure. He went down to the local army surplus store one morning and bought forty-five used weather balloons. That afternoon he strapped himself into a lawn chair, to which several of his friends tied the now helium-filled balloons. He took along a six-pack of beer, a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, and a BB gun, figuring he could shoot the balloons one at a time when he was ready to land.

Walters, who assumed the balloons would lift him about 100 feet in the air, was caught off guard when the chair soared more than 11,000 feet into the sky -- smack into the middle of the air traffic pattern at Los Angeles International Airport. Too frightened to shoot any of the balloons, he stayed airborne for more than two hours, forcing the airport to shut down its runways for much of the afternoon, causing long delays in flights from across the country.

Soon after he was safely grounded and cited by the police, reporters asked him three questions:

"Where you scared?" "Yes."

"Would you do it again?" "No."

"Why did you do it?" "Because," he said, "you can't just sit there."

Some adventures are more excellent than others.

Thought for the Day

It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. Longfellow

Turn the radio on

Listen to God & Ed’s Excellent Adventure on the Radio. Monday through Friday at 4pm on “The Word,” 98.5/99.3 FM. Or listen on-line at KLGO.net. It’s the place for Christians of all varieties to hang out and be loved, entertained and uplifted.

Semi-interesting fact

Dinner knives have rounded points because in 1669, Cardinal Richelieu of France became disgusted with people who used the sharp tip of the knife to pick their teeth. He then required that the tips of all dinner knives be rounded.

Forward…Mail!!

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Joke Du Jour

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turned to his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"

Without hesitation, his father said, "Oh, about half of them."

Questions I ask myself

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Really?? Actual News

Is God impressed? An Ohio woman, sporting a tattoo reading "God" on her forehead, has been arrested for stalking a female prison officer.Jamie Calloway, 33, is accused of stalking the officer who she "took a liking to" during a stretch in

Montgomery County jail, Maryland, say police. Calloway allegedly slashed the woman's tires, called her at her house and sent her packages in the mail. Police said she was easily identifiable because of her forehead tattoo and several metal teeth. Calloway is also known by the alias "Jamie Godhead Platinum", for posting videos of herself ranting and displaying verses of the Bible. She is the latest in a series of police suspects in the US who have gained notoriety as much for their facial tattoos as their alleged crimes. They included Jerome Smith, 27, also from Ohio, whose attempt to have "Genius" tattooed on his forehead backfired when it was misspelled "Jenius".

Stressed-out penguins Penguins which had to be given anti-depressants after a break-in left them stressed, have made a full recovery.

A trespasser broke into their enclosure at Scarborough's Sea Life Center one year ago and chased the birds. Staff at the center said the birds had been left "frightened" and needed medication. The birds have now recovered and two couples have even produced eggs which are due to hatch later this year, curators said. Lyndsey Crawford, displays curator, said: "Penguins only lay eggs when they feel happy enough to do so."This is a really good sign particularly as this is the first time for each couple."Penguins are particularly vulnerable to any change of routine which was why the incident last year had proved so upsetting for them, she explained.

Buzzzzz A couple in Cape May, N.J. said they've finally solved the mystery of the strange vibrations

that have been shaking their home: they found a giant honeycomb and 30,000 bees in their attic crawl space. Victoria Clayton and Richard White, who live at a former bed-and-breakfast, said they recently noticed a high amount of honeybees in their garden that they tracked to their third-floor laundry vent. The couple called Gary Schempp, founder of the insect rescue group Busy Bees NJ, to check out the attic. That's when their industrious visitors, and their 3-foot by 2-foot hive, were discovered. Schempp and an assistant removed them with a specially designed vacuum. Along with the bees, Schempp said he removed about 25 pounds of honey and nectar on the comb and from under the floorboards. "A comb this size and this active could have caused huge problems for this structure," Schempp said. "It would have continued to get bigger and bigger inside the walls." The bees were then taken to their new home on Schempp's farm.

A Texas woman and her friends found themselves locked in a Houston restaurant recently after refusing to pay the gratuity.

Jasmine Marks claims that the service at LA Fisherman was so bad that when the bill came, she and her party of six decided not to pay the mandatory 17 percent gratuity for parties larger than five. Marks requested that her party be allowed to leave their own tip instead of the 17 percent, but the staff refused, locked the front doors and called the police Wanting to put an end to a long struggle with the wait staff and law enforcement, Marks and her friends eventually paid the gratuity

No sleeping on this job

Renowned high-wire walker Nik Wallenda has announced he will attempt to walk a tightrope over Niagara Falls between the United States and Canada on June 15, the first person to do so in more than a century. "This has been a dream for so long, since I was 6 years old," Wallenda said at a news conference. Wallenda will walk a 2-inch cable attached to massive cranes on either side of the falls, about 1,800 feet across, and 200 feet up from the bottom of the gorge. The crossing should take about 30 to 40 minutes and is planned to take place in early evening. "There's something iconic about Niagara Falls," Wallenda said. "There is a history here." According to Niagara Falls Tourism, the first tightrope walker to cross the falls was "The Great Blondin" in 1859. Wallenda said he will be the first to cross directly over the waterfall. "The other people all crossed farther down," said Wallenda

Cool Music

We’ve added more cool songs you’ve never heard on radio. Check the player on the upper right, click and brighten your day.

Are you kidding me???

The two robbers crucified next to Jesus were named Dismas and Gestas.

Groaner

I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird slammed into my windshield. The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the car behind me -- a police cruiser.

Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."

Point to Ponder

Suppose I come to you and say, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm a giraffe." I guarantee there are going to be a lot of things going through your head. You'll probably be tempted to say, "Don't tell anyone, but you're a psycho."

Because you know that a giraffe has certain features: A distinctive pattern, knobby antlers, a long neck, no voice box, and four really long legs, to name a few. So you look at me and you immediately think: You can't possibly be a giraffe, because you don't match up to the list of characteristics that a giraffe has.

Just as you can tell if something is a giraffe or not, Jesus said that there's a way you can tell whether a person is a true Christian or not. In John 13:35, Jesus said, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another

Remember, Christianity is more about walking than about talking