Aug

The Pig That Walked Away

Fri Aug 26th 2011 @ 6:40 pm

“One evening in October
When I was hardly sober
And was staggering along with manly pride
My poor feet began to stutter
So I lay down in the gutter
And a pig came up and lay down by my side

As we lay there in the gutter
With our heartstrings all a-flutter
A lady passed and this was heard to say;
"You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses"
And the pig got up and slowly walked away”

My dad used to play his banjo and sing that little ditty when I was a kid. I always thought it was hilarious! Little did I know how true those lyrics were, or that one day, I would be on a first name basis with the hero of the song and his picky pig. While I didn’t actually make it all the way down into the gutter…I did circle the drain a few times. Looking back, I’m still not sure if I was an alcoholic… but if I wasn’t, I blew a great chance to be one: I certainly drank enough. I never woke up craving a drink, my hands didn’t shake, I didn’t drink every day: fact is, I went days and sometimes weeks without booze. But when I did drink, I wouldn’t or couldn’t stop until I was totally hammered. For me, there was no such thing as social drinking. When you drank, you drank.

Again, looking back, three things are clear:

I was just pouring the booze into that big empty hole in my soul hoping to either fill it or numb myself to the point of not caring.
Getting drunk doesn’t fill anything. The hole is still there the next day only now you’ve got the hole and a hangover. Even Charlie Sheen would have a tough time calling that “Winning.” Duh.
The part of that ditty my Dad sang, “You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses” is dead on. Look at me in those days: Well-to-do, Chamber of Commerce type and respected media mini-mogul by day; running with gamblers, gangsters and party girls by night.

Something had to give, and finally it did. I got so drunk one night that something happened that I had never experienced before and that forced me to get serious about my life and how I was living it: I had a blackout. When I came to my senses, it was dawn and I was in the middle of a field somewhere, car buried to the axles in mud with no idea where I was or how I got there.

That’s when pig got up and slowly walked away.

Epilogue

“One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time” Nancy Astor
“You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on” Dean Martin.

Thought for the Day

Some people think God does not like to be troubled with our constant coming and asking. The way to trouble God is not to come at all.—D.L. Moody

A semi-interesting fact
The chances of you dying on the way to buy a lottery ticket are greater than your chances of winning.

Joke du Jour
One Sunday morning, a cop in a small town was parked at the curb when he saw a car swerving all over the road. Taking off in hot pursuit, he pulled the driver over, and recognized him as an alcoholic named Frank.
The policeman said, "Frank, you're driving all over the place."
Frank said, "I'm just trying to get to church, man."
Noticing a bottle on the seat next to Frank, the cop asked, "What's that on your seat, Frank?"
"It's just water," said Frank.
"Give it to me," the cop demanded. He took a whiff. "That's not water," he said. "That's wine."
Frank just looked up to heaven and said, "Wow, He did it again."

Really??
A US serviceman has come up with an unusual sideline - selling combat garden gnomes. US Naval Reserve officer Shawn Thorsson of Petaluma, California, says he came up with the idea because he wanted a military presence in his garden. Shawn is now selling his combat gnomes online.

OUCH!! Alexei Roskov survived not only the drinking of three bottles of vodka, but also leaping from a fifth floor window - not once but twice. His wife watched in horror as her drunken husband opened the kitchen window of their Moscow apartment, and hurled himself out. Astonishingly Alexei, 22, survived and managed to stagger back upstairs with barely a scratch after the 50ft fall. However, his wife phoned an ambulance and began to scold him, so he jumped again.

Amazed medics treated Roskov for minor cuts and bruises before releasing him. Roskov says he is now teetotal after giving up drinking. He told reporters, 'I have no idea why I jumped the first time but when I came back up and I heard my wife screaming angrily at me I thought it was best if I left the room again - out of the window.' Apparently God does look after fools and drunks.

SPEAKING OF DRUNKS. Florida State University was hit with a wrongful termination lawsuit this week. Frank Stephenson, who was the director for research communications at FSU, is asking for $75,000 to compensate for the emotional distress and damage to his career and reputation. In an unusual claim, Stephenson said the university should have provided "reasonable accommodations" for his handicap of alcoholism, which the suit says his supervisors were aware of. State law prohibits discriminating against a person with a handicap and he claims that being a drunk is a handicap. Stephenson was fired in September 2010 after an employee he supervised filed a complaint against him alleging he was abusive towards employees. No comment from the school.

Point to Ponder

(UNKNOWN MONK 1100AD) When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

Are you kidding me???
The largest Bible in the world is 1205 lbs. and is over 8 ft. thick. It was created by a carpenter in Los Angeles who decided to cut it out from wood. He worked on it for two years